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Type of bind: Hardcover
Dewey Decimal Number: 813.6
EAN num: 9780060723934
ISBN number: 0060723939
Label: William Morrow
Manufacturer: William Morrow
Quantity: 1
Page Count: 288
Printing Date: July 24, 2007
Publishing house: William Morrow
Release Date: July 24, 2007
Sale Popularity Level: 68978
Studio: William Morrow
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Product Description:
Burned-out private detective and self-styled shit magnet Michael McGill needed a wake-up call to jump-start his dead career. What he got was a virtual cattle prod to the crotch, in the form of an impossible assignment delivered directly from the president's heroin-addict chief of staff. It seems the Constitution of the United States has some skeletons in its closet: the Founding Fathers doubted that the document would be able to stave off human nature indefinitely, so they devised a backup Constitution to deploy at the very first sign of crisis. In the government's eyes, that time is now, as America is overgrown with perverts who spend more time surfing the Web for fetish porn than they do reading a newspaper. They want to use this 'Secret Constitution' to drive the country back to a time when civility, God, and mom's homemade apple pie were all that mattered.
The only problem is, no one can seem to find it . . .
So who better to track it down than a private dick who's so down-and-out that he's coming up the other side, a shamus whose only skill is stumbling into every depraved situation imaginable?
With no lead to speak of, and no knowledge of the underground world in which the Constitution has traveled, McGill embarks on a cross-country odyssey of America's darkest, dankest underbelly. Along the way, his white-bread sensibilities are treated to a smorgasbord of depravity that runs the gamut of human imagination. The filth mounts; it is clear that this isn't the kind of life, liberty, or happiness that Thomas Jefferson thought Americans would enjoy in the twenty-first century.
But what McGill learns as he closes in on the real Constitution is that freedom takes many forms, the most important of which may be the fight against the 'good old days.' Like Vonnegut, Orwell, and Huxley before him, Warren Ellis deftly exposes the hypocrisy of the 'moral majority' by giving us a glimpse at the monstrous outcome that their overzealous policies would achieve.
Amazon.com Review:
Michael McGill is a burned-out private detective who suddenly becomes enlisted by an army of presidential goons to retrieve the Constitution of the United States, but not the one we all know about. This would be the real Constitution (the one with invisible amendments) created by some of the Founding Fathers as a fallback for their great experiment. Along the way, McGill gains a polyamorous sidekick named Trix, gets scared to death by what men do with warm salty water, and descends into a world where crime, sex, and madness all seem to be the same thing.
Full of mind-bending style and packed with a wild cast of characters, Crooked Little Vein infuses Robert B. Parker with Kurt Vonnegut and the madness of the graphic-novel world. A surprisingly surreal treat, it will appeal to hardcore comic fans, mystery aficionados, and all readers looking for a riotous summer reading adventure. Sample Chapter One of Crooked Little Vein
'Chapter One. I opened my eyes to see the rat taking a piss in my coffee mug. It was a huge brown bastard; had a body like a turd with legs and beady grey eyes full of secret rat knowledge.'
Crooked Little Vein puts you right in the gutter from the very first sentence and doesn't let up. Sample the goods with a look at the complete very first chapter, and see if you don't get hooked.
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Rated by buyers 
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I read Ellis's "Transmetropolitan" back in college and genuinely enjoyed it. Looking back now, I probably was attracted to the art style and the setting more than the writing. "Crooked Little Vein" is in the same vein as "Transmetropolitan", and while I typically like dark conspiracy novels, this one just felt predictable and cliche.
The book's exposition and plot setup are actually very enjoyable. The whole "alternative constitution of the United States" setup was a good hook and I applaud it for being original. Once the novel gets moving, it feels just like a chain of events that aren't particularly interesting or funny. I suppose (and the afterward confirms) that Ellis was looking for edgy Internet material to populate the book with, only the fetish content doesn't really shock. It feels more annoying than offensive. I think the only reason I kept reading was to see if the protagonist actually finds the alternative constitution.
I suppose there's some good things to say about this novel, however. It moves at a rapid pace and was a very quick read. I attribute this to short chapters and heavy use of dialogue to keep the scenes moving along. Also Ellis makes an implicit statement about the use of technology and collaboration as an impact in media. I found it to be one of the more interesting points of the entire book.
I still found myself really wanting to like this book. It wasn't the profanity that put me off (it's not hard to find far more profane literature), but more of the constant reminder from Ellis that says "Hey, this is profane and dirty material! Look at how angry this could make people!" Ugh. If he eased back on this I might have thrown an extra star in and put this review on the positive side.
Rated by buyers -
Crooked Little Vein is some quality distilled Ellis - but I barely know how to review him as the writer of a novel. I found the book to be a lot of fun, but not as much fun as his comics. This is my view of other comics writers gone novelist. Neil Gaiman stands out as a prime example, and try to convince NG fans that his books aren't as good as his comics. It will get you on a lot of $hit lists, and girls in grey will knock you down wherever you go.
The book suffers a lack of significant characterization and a narrative that feels novel worthy. It is a collection of side show freaks. There is enough to like about side show freaks that this criticism shouldn't entirely be read as an invalidation of the book. I also consider Palahniuk books to be side show freak conventions - (again) for comparison's sake.
CLV felt contrived in its stages - the `belly of the whale' and such (desperate conflict allowing for significant psychological growth or turning point) was built up to in a mere 2 or 3 paragraphs, 80% of the way through, and resolved too cleanly for my liking.
If you have never read Warren Ellis, it is likely because you aren't interested in super heroes (he expresses frustration with them - but it is the curse of comic books). Check out Transmetropolitian for more Ellis goodness, similar in many respects to CLV - and also don't miss Fallen, or even his Hellblazer work. The protagonist in each of these are cut from the same cloth - and it appears to be Warren's own projected persona, the WE that engages the world in a more direct way than laptop tapping in a pub. The filthy assistants do a wonderful job of assisting filthily (particularly in Transmet and Crooked) and read, to me, to be demoness versions of (Robert) Heinleinian women straight from Jubal Harshaw's staff (of Stranger in a Strange Land, and others).
Warren likes to share his research on the underbelly of everything - esp. technology, culture, sex and the places where they merge.
I suspect this novel will be irresistible as a screenplay, but don't know if it is a strong enough story for that to be a lucrative pursuit. It was enjoyable, though - and I had to take the ride, because I have trusted Mr. Ellis for many years to take me to strange new places.
I'm rounding up my 3.5 star rating.
Rated by buyers 
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A mix of William S. Burroughs depravity and the classic nineteen thirties detective noir. Compelling, thought provoking, and thoroughly entertaining.
Rated by buyers -
First off, if you're a music fan, this P.S. version includes a list of twelve songs Ellis calls the "soundtrack that inspired the book." All these songs are easy enough to find at the Zune Marketplace, on Amazon MP3, and for free on MySpace.
"Slippi" - Animal Collective
"Murray Ostril: They Don't Sleep Anymore on the Beach" - Godspeed You Black Emperor!
"Ladyflash" - The Go! Team
"The New Sound" - The Capricorns
"O.K." - Talvin Singh
"Dirge" - Death In Vegas
"Nightly Cares" - Mum
"Marconi's Radio (Again)" - Secret Machines
"Section 8 (Soldier Girl)" - The Polyphonic Spree
"Odin's Gift to His Mother" - Brain Donor (Julian Cope)
"Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts" - Wolf Parade
"Zouave's Blue" - Xinlisupreme
It's pretty good stuff. Now...
* * *
"Crooked Little Vein" is a darkly satirical, wildly explicit, barely serious crime novel that I found to be ridiculously humorous in places - and I am no big fan of humorous novels or those that purport to be. The plot is straightforward enough, and there is an attempt, all too obvious in places, to summarize the politics and issues of contemporary America, but, really, the novel works best as a genre-influenced joyride that is as much like a work by Hunter Thompson as it is one by George Orwell. Warren Ellis himself is not entirely unlike Andrew Vachss given the political wit of Mark Twain and a bit of the technolust of William Gibson. This isn't a novel you read seriously, or approach too deeply, but it is great entertainment while it lasts.
Rated by buyers -
In Crooked Little Vein the classic, burned-out, hardened detective of Hollywood and mystery novel lore is given a mission to find a long lost secret text which, as the reader quickly realizes, is to be found somewhere within the new sexual mainstream. Or do these encounters "represent" the mainstream? That question is in the background much of the time; while in the foreground we travel the country in search of a text allegedly capable of removing perceived deviancy from our pristine shores. Significantly, in an interview at the end of the novel, Ellis assures us that the deviant world he has uncovered is "out there" on the world wide web, and thus not underground. This sexual odyssey is prompted by the President's heroin addicted chief of staff, himself quite the outlier, who appears intent, perhaps not so much on eliminating indecency, as in keeping it deliciously private, that is, on restoring shame to its proper place in the human psyche. Don't expect to find this book on the required reading list of your local school district. If you can accept the notion that sex might be fun and games after all, you will thoroughly enjoy Ellis' surreal and wonderfully satiric tour of a crooked little vein he travels.
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